I’ll be blunt. I’m an emotional wreck. Blame my parents! Mom [God bless her] spends her life is a near psychopathic warpath on getting shit done. [Can you see the family resemblance?] But when that comes to raising an imaginative, lonely, awkward, self-conscious and self-confident-less, pouting, selfish, ungrateful child, it’s gave me some lasting friction scars. [though, frankly, it worked. Asian tiger moms do get shit done.]
Those scars fking suck. I crave emotional support like cereal mascots crave powdered sugar. As much as possible until the sugar induced crash. Nap. Go again. With feeling this time.
Or I’m just a Leo [Happy Leo Season!]
Either way, I spent a lot of my childhood craving some sort of authentication, praise, or encouragement/interest. Instead, in an effort to educate, mistakes would get picked apart and sternly corrected. [To be fair, there were a boatload and we’ve gotten down to a couple of barrel drums]. A side-effect is it left me very self-conscious or just plain lonely.
Also, I was and continue to be quite a harsh critic of myself. I have a habit of withdrawing on the slightest burn, afraid of bereavement.
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I’ve grown. A lot. Like, wouldn’t recognize myself. Like, I am still floored by the support of my friends and family and strangers. I’ve shockingly found myself in the position of being the role model. Responsibilities I’m humbled to have and strive to meet.
But still. The emotional baggage is heavy, I’m too cheap to tip a bellboy, too proud to wait for an elevator, and I’m on the 26th floor of a [hopefully!] very long-winding staircase.
Which brings me to last weekend [July 15th-21st; I’m bad at getting these out on time…]
Three events: Trying to reconnect with some old swim teammates on Tuesday. Drinks with the neighbors in the building on Friday. Hosting a group volunteer effort with my closest friends on Saturday morning.
A grand total of 0 people attended.
[Now that’s not entirely true. My neighbor downstairs had taken over the responsibility of hosting my drinks two weeks prior. Four of us got together Friday night, eating and drinking well into 1AM. Some incredible stories there. Super impressed by the diversity and thoughtfulness of my building. Great neighbors. Super proud support her Kickstarter for her Feature Length Documentary about Whale and Dolphin Hunting in Japan. Link here! The movie is scheduled to open in theaters in NY on Aug. 17, LA on Aug. 24, and San Francisco on Sep. 7]
But otherwise, 0 for anyone in my peer groups.
Also, kicker, my birthday was that next week, and I had 0 plans.
I won’t go into it again but let’s summarize by saying crippling self-doubt is not a great Tinder profile tag line.
I am still awash in confusion and disorientation, still desperately tearing my throat at the void, hoping for an Echo.
Thank god I like hanging out with myself.
Thank goodness that I’m an unequivocal badass and I like myself.
Thank me for good planning, giving everyone opportunities, and doing my best.
See, I’m really not disappointed at anyone. I expected Beercats being a flop and brought work with me. But JChen and I had a good catch over text! If I do another one, he might come. I’ll invite him to VolIII as well. [August 25th! Working on it! Please donate to the Indiegogo!]
I also ended up seeing more teammates later that month and sincerely enjoyed catching up with them.
And while I would have liked to bring a friend for Farmhands, I can imagine Summer Saturdays are busy especially since Alec’s wedding took a couple of my closest friends who woulda come. Plus being at the farm is stress relieving regardless.
Which is also to say, damn mate. Keep chugging. Keep moving. It all goes somewhere, you know that [Like that bullshit you talked before Culdesac]
I’m not mad, I’m really not. I’ll fail at a million billion things and I’m going to love each and every one, even when it’s embarrassing, even when it really hurts, even if the injury recovery takes months [fk that though. No injuries.]
I’m here to fail exceptionally. So bad that everyone starts laughing at me and I’m deeply, shamefully, embarrassed and then I’ll swallow my pride and ego and laugh along too.
I’m the scum of the earth, just another flawed, awkward, ignorant, lazy, apathetic, wasteful, dying, sinful, ugly, sad, hopeless, cynical, snobby, judge-y, shallow, terrified, and lonely human being. I’m headed to the same six feet under, where I will spend the rest of all eternity. Everything else either happened before I existed, or the in the short nanoseconds that will capture the entire movie of my life.
That’s why I work on the things. That’s why I write words and read books and volunteer and invite friends and go to raves and workout and compete and drink with neighbors and try doors and talk to myself and talk to people and speak on stage and pet dogs and wave at babies and help strangers and take shots and asked that girl if she was single and made out with Gloria who tasted like bitter coca and sweet alcohol and there’s cigarettes on my breath as I kiss her hips and trace her legs and the cold metal of the slide; a happy Bastille day, hungover, napping, writing, stretching, breathing, watching the sunset, meditating, finding the time and peace.
And at this point, having no one come to a planned event is par for the course. Doesn’t even register on the radar. Too many things. I’mma cash y’all out for VolIII anyway. [The Shameless Second Plug! August 25th! Working on it! Please donate to the Indiegogo!]
I’m filled with love because I’m supported and respected by so many beautiful people. Because everyone around me becomes friends. I’m ineffable. I’m amazing.
I’m brimming with adventure and ambition.
So if you’re reading this, no worries. I’m just going to keep doing me and you do what’s best for you and it’s all love. Reach out if you need me. Reach out if you wanna catch up!
Even if you don’t, I’ll keep you invited.
I’m letting go of the abandonment issues. As long as I never give up on myself, I can’t fail. I’m most successful when I give back around me the love that I’m so blessed to have. [Ya’ll know.] You’re always welcome here with open arms. I’m reminding myself, I’m deserving of that hug too.
Hugs and Peace,
Winston