I don’t think life is supposed to be comfortable

Or I want to say that being comfortable isn’t the only part of life.

Since I’ve had a personal downturn [Nov '17-Jan '18], I’ve been in an excellent mood, and the last 3 or 4 weeks have been really stellar for me. I’m proud and happy about and with myself. I’m gracious and in love with all of my family and friends and support system. [Shout out to everyone at AltruCenter who’ve held such loving safe space that reinvigorated me at a time I desperately needed it. If you feel stuck or emboldened, they will be a highly beneficial first step.]

But even that hasn’t made all of life easier. It’s still very busy. It’s still takes discipline and work, I’m often at frantic pace to use the hours before bed to be productive.

I still have to take opportunities that make me uncomfortable or step out of my comfort zone.

I fail at a bunch of things and am definitely a little too ambitious at times.

[It means refocusing goals, accepting failures, working harder at obstacles.]

And over the top.

[which means stepping back sometimes, or at least keeping it to myself. [[Save it for your blog!]]]

But the truth is I want to be outside that box. I like trying something weird or different. Adventures and explorations and discovery. I’m seeking to be uncomfortable.

That means competing in triathlons, going to warehouse raves, getting on stage, being spontaneous. [In fact, thinking about this endeavor only make me more ambitious to keep pushing my boundaries.]

That’s easy for me to say; I come from lots of comforts. I live by myself, in Brooklyn Heights of all places. I’m working a career-oriented job with a wonderful team under a manager who cares and empowers us. I have no debt and have enviable financial security. I’m healthy; sound of mind and whole of body. Plus, cis- hetero- male. Plus, I’m tall. The world is comfortable for me, and it would take little, if any effort to maintain that high level of comfort.

I recognize this is a privilege afforded to a wisp of human population, among my peers, among the general population and even more so in all of human history.

I also recognize that I also earned much of this, building excellent habits on a variety of areas, learned and taught by great role models. [Shout out Mom and all my Coaches]

I wager, that many who read my blog are in a similar class as I am. [I appreciate ya’ll who do! Seriously. Thank you, I don’t know what this is, I don’t know why I keep doing it, I’m not sure what y’all like and don’t like, but I hope it’s helping someone out there. Even if it’s just the 10 minutes on the subway or another late night scrolling the feed or the random chuckle-snort-exhale that sometimes happens when you see a funny meme. [[Oh god is this the same internet currency as a meme? Could I have less clout than that 12-year-old memelord who’s posting even freaking every Spongebob screen grab she can get her hands on? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Why I gotta bring myself down like that.]]]

Anyway, I want to try new things. I don’t know that any of it will make sense, but some part of me has this nagging confidence that it all goes somewhere [you know that/Like that bullshit you talked before Culdesac].

All these different avenues, pursued to the best of my ability and interest and capacity. They don’t make a path now, but they will form the foundations of knowledge and experience by which I will craft my legacy. And if for nothing else, a broader base gives way to more possibilities.

I’ve also change my expectations, where instead of trying to grind out insecurities to smooth confidence, I’m embracing the act of sharpening. In metaphor; it’s not only loving the finished product of a honed and polished sword, but also enjoying the means by which it was profiled. Sparks and heat, effort and work, danger and dedication, all applied to the uneven blade fresh from the anvil and hammer. In life, it is more continuous. The craft is never ending. It constantly cycles between polish and work. I expect it, I handle it better, even when it’s an uncomfortable failure [the worst of feelings].

I don’t want to just be comfortable. Even as life is good, I crave busy and frantic and sometimes feeling overwhelmed. That means I’m doing things. I want to be anxious about something. That means something matters to me. I ought to be confused or lost or unsure. That means I’m somewhere new.

Forward doesn’t promise ease, it doesn’t even promise progress, but it’s better than standing still.

Peace. Love. Hope you’re finding your thing, comfortable or no so much.

Winston